Nothing to lose
A few days before the race, my sister texted me to ask what was my mindset going into the World Championships weekend.
I responded with a photo of that morning’s entry in my notebook. I had written: “Take a chance at greatness. Don’t just aim for good.”
Under it, there was a quote from famed basketball coach Phil Jackson that read: “Create the best possible conditions for success, then let go of the outcome.”
If you are reading this now and you’ve made it all the way to the end of the this season following us (thank you!), then you probably know that it wasn’t a regular season for us. Sickness, put a pause to the season, try to get back to top fitness, etc. To me, all of that meant that on the last race of the season, I had nothing to loose. It was already a bonus to just be here. So why not try to go for greatness instead of playing it safe for “good”?
That was my mindset. I knew that David and I had done what we could to “create the best possible conditions for success” considering the cards we had this year. Now, it was time to “let go of the outcome", and just go for it, because in my opinion, the best way to fully commit at trying to win is to be ready to lose.
World Championships
On the morning of the race, my plan was clear. The field was smaller with only 34 riders, although all of these 34 riders were all of very high quality. I was still ranked on the 3rd row, but my thought was that the smaller field made it easier to navigate, and with the start being on a wide uphill pavement, I was confident I could move up quickly. My plan was to do a very aggressive start, 1 lap absolutely full gas, do whatever necessary to put myself in the game (in contention) at the front of the race from the beginning. I didn’t want to have an average start and chase alone all day like I did most of the season. I wanted to play at the front, and if I had to blow up, so be it.
I lined up in the row behind Puck Pieterse (1st row) and Marion Norbert Riberolle (2nd row). Considering Puck is one of the fastest starter and Marion is fast, powerful, and agressive, this felt like a safe bet! I was confident they would be good wheels to follow. My plan was ON!
The lights turned from green to red. I clipped in. Pushed forward. Right then and there, I saw Puck slip her pedal. Behind her, our row completely stalled. I hit Marion’s wheel, had to put a foot down, and everyone blazed around me as I stayed there on the line. Fuck. There was still a chance. I eventually took off and went flat out to pass as many riders as I could on the start straight. Already I passed a few. Then I tried to be aggressive and pass in the first corners, but didn’t manage so well. I felt like I was always in the wrong place. After 3 corners, I was last. (Luckily, I never looked back so I didn’t know!). “I guess it will be a chasing game after all”.
It was on. I started chasing and passing people one by one. I had a sense of urgency, thinking that the earliest I could pass people, the more chance I had to make it to the front groups. Halas, I never even saw the first group. But I kept to it. 20th, 15th, 13th…I pushed too much in a corner and crashed. 15th again. I found myself in a small group from 12-14th with 2 other riders for a few laps. I thought we could work together to keep moving up, but they seemed to want to battle between the 3 of us. This was slowing us down. I’d get to the front to try and push the pace, then they would attack me and slow down in front. At some point, I talked to them: “Hey, if we work together, we can get top 10”. BOOM! Just like that, they were on board. We started working together. With 2 or 3 laps to go, we almost connected to the group from 9-11th. David screamed at me that one rider was changing bike. If I wanted to connect, it was NOW. I sprinted and made the connection. 1 lap to go and I had to be smart. I knew which section I was doing faster, so I attacked there and never looked back. After being last, I finished the World Championships in 9th place.
I’ll be honest, I was so focused during the whole race that I barely saw the time go by, even though it was a long race. The fans were cheering, everything was loud, everything was intense. But at some point during the chase, I was really suffering and a thought popped in my head for a few seconds: “Is it worth it? I was aiming for great. Is it worth it going all in for what will be an average result at best?”. Then, I thought of David. It was worth it. At that moment, I also heard the Canadian junior girls scream my name. A few hours earlier, we had had the privilege of witnessing history as Canadian junior women Isabella and Ava Holmgren finished first and second in the Junior World Championships. Freaking World Champions!!!!! It had been an insane moment that gave me chills and made me cry. Although I have nothing to do with their success, I felt a huge sense of pride for them, I felt so inspired. It was an incredibly special moment. Now they were on the sidelines cheering for me. Any doubt I ever had vanished in that instant. “They are watching. LET’S F**KING GOOOO MAGH!”
I crossed the line exhausted but proud. It was not the greatness I was looking for. But damn! It was worth so it! I had so much fun out there, I loved every minute of the race. I pushed as hard as I could, I raced well and I raced smart. The result is not what I wanted, but my ride was strong and I’m very proud of it.
It’s always worth it.
I’m finishing this season in 9th place at the World Championships. Most importantly, I’m finishing this season absolutely in love with this crazy sport. This summer and throughout the fall, I often wondered if I was done with cyclocross or with racing. With all the struggles we had, I did not feel the passion (the fever) I normally have, and I wondered how I could keep going. But with the support of my family, my sponsors, and with David, I decided to give it one more shot.
It turns out, this season I learned to fall in love with racing and with cyclocross all over again. I feel so privileged to be a part of this sport and this community. Once again, I feel consumed with the desire of wanting to become a better cyclocross athlete, and to me, this might be the biggest victory of all!
The end.
Looking back, this weird season may have been a blessing in disguise. Although we produced less fireworks or standout results, I’m very proud of the work we did and the things we accomplished. Most importantly, by being forced to do things differently, I think both David and I learned a lot from it all. For example, by being less strong than normal for most of the season, I was forced to use my matches better, and I learned to be a smarter racer.
I’m really looking forward to putting these leanings to good use and to start working on next season! First, however, time for a little break…it feels weird having to take a break now, after finally finding the fitness I had been chasing for 3 months, but it's necessary, otherwise I’ve learned nothing! Mia dog is excited to be home after her European journey and looking forward to playing in the snow :) She has been such a good girl.
I’d like to take a moment to thank all of my sponsors for their continuous support, especially this season. It would have been easy to drop me when I decided to take an indefinite break from racing back in September, but every single one of them supported me wholeheartedly! There is no way we could have done it without you all. You made me believe, and allowed me to make good decisions!
Huge thank you to David as well. David already does a lot and always supports me immensely...in more ways than one could imagine (I'm not always easy and he's always the one wiping the tears!). But this year, when I was ill and unable to accomplish all of my responsibilities, he also took on a lot more workload, allowing me to focus on training and recovery. I am so grateful for him and couldn’t be more proud of him. He is the reason you saw me on the start lines this year!
Finally, thank you all for following and cheering! Your positive messages keep us going!