Butterflies

I need to make a confession.

Over the last few months, when I lined up for races, I rarely felt nervous. And I’ll be honest, it bothered me. It bothered me so much that I wasn’t talking about it…I was afraid for the reason why I wasn’t nervous. Did I not care enough anymore? It’s hard to say, but I think it came from the fact that I just knew inside me that I wasn’t fit enough to compete where I want to be, so I didn’t have the nerves or butterflies that come with wanting to do well. Instead, I approached all the race preparation matter of factly, just ticking the tasks and doing the job. It worked okay, but for an emotion junkie like me, I felt like something was missing.

This morning, before the Besançon World Cup, I woke up and guess who woke up with me…the butterflies!!! They were back! I was nervous and I wanted to do well. I had never been so happy to be nervous!!

Having a good performance in Benidorm last week made me believe that I could do well. The course conditions in Besançon were VERY different than what they were when I podiumed here last year, but I had been feeling great in training all week, so I still believed I could do well. I was excited.

To add to the excitement and joy of the day, the Canadian Juniors absolutely smashed it this morning. Ian Ackert finished 5th in the junior men’s race, while Ava Holmgren and Isabella Holmgren finished 1st and 3rd. WOW! Isabella told me it was only the second time in history that the Canadian anthem played at a cyclocross World Cup…that the first time had been when I won the World Cup in Iowa a few years ago, and now today when Ava won. It gave me goosebumps.

As I lined up for the start, I was eager to get going. My butterflies were there, but they were flying in formation; I felt very much in control. In fact, I was confident the nerves would help me be more engaged and aggressive at the start. It kind of worked as I didn’t go backwards like every races so far, but no miracles happened either. 3rd or 4th row starts are my new current reality, and I’m still trying to adapt.

The race

The race was BLISTERING fast and there was no technical difficulty, so it was very hard to make a difference…at least for me. Puck Pieterse had no problem. I actually followed her wheel for a few minutes on the second lap (after she had a small mechanical) and loved following her…until she dropped me while bunny hopping the barriers. Note taken. It is now a necessary skill. I made my way from 23rd to 12th in a few laps. Then I could see the group from 5th-11th right in front of me, maybe at 10 seconds. They seemed so close and I so badly wanted to make the connection to contend for that 5th place. I tried and tried. They were so close, yet so far. I tried as hard as I could to bridge the gap, but for the life of me I could never quite make it.

I finished 12th and although it was my best effort, I still feel a bit disappointed. Like: ARGHHH! I wanted more. There are a lot of things I did well today and many good things to celebrate, so it's hard to be disappointed from a solid performance, but I still want more.

ARGHHH. 

In the end, maybe it’s a good thing that I want more. It means that I’m finally at a point where I feel I legitimately CAN achieve more. Gosh! Too bad it’s already the end of the season… I raced  only 4 of the 14 world cups, and I finally feel like I’m getting going!

Luckily, there is one big race left on the calendar next week. I’m ready to make it count and to use all my butterflies, and all my “wanting more” motivation to the nest version of myself on that World Championships start line.

Cheers everyone and merci to all the French fans for the warm welcome!

We’re now driving to our next check point in Hoogerheide, and stopped in one of the wonderful French gas station, where we picked up dinner for the road: A warm quiche lorraine and salad! Man I wish our North American gas station were as great as this!

Mia got some treats at the race, including pretzel sticks from a man named Jacques.